Ok, now I know this post is going to piss some people off. Be warned. I'm about to give my honest opinion of some issues that affect both sexes. This rant comes after an extended conversation with my girlfriend.
1. My g/f is on a special diet due to her condition. I understand and respect that. There are some foods she can not eat. No problem. She needs all her food to be gluten free. Ok, that's fine. However, I do not have the same condition. I eat real meat, with all the chemicals and additives included. None of that strictly grass and grain fed crap. And while we're on the subject, I don't need it cooked till it's a shadow of it's former self. Those that remember George Carlin remember his famous speech about the human immune system. If my body doesn't need or want it, it will be extracted naturally. I also do not eat vegetables. I sit down to enjoy my meal, not to have a mini garden on my plate. No salad either. Give me a big thick greasy burger and two handfuls of fries. And pass the salt and ketchup.
2. I am a smoker. Mostly cigarettes, sometimes something else. I'm extremely sorry for anyone who has (or lost a loved one to) cancer. It runs in my family and I've lost a lot of them to that horrible disease. However, it both relaxes and calms me. It's my sexual afterglow, and my after dinner mint. I do agree that children under a certain age should not smoke (I started at 12). However, if I'm standing outside, I'd like to see you arrest me for lighting up. (I understand there are several cities, much like New York, that have this law). You don't want me to smoke while you're eating, or in a place like a plane where the smoke has nowhere to go, ok. But on a street corner? I'm gonna burn one.
3. My money is MY MONEY. Your money is YOUR MONEY. WE do not have money. No joint accounts, no pre-nup, you have yours and I have mine. When the bills come in, we can sit down and go over them. The electric bill is $50, we both drop $25 on the table. When we go to the store, I'll meet you at door. You buy your food and I'll buy mine. So many couple don't understand how much easier this is. If there's children involved, it's just as simple. Mary needs glasses, mom and dad drop $50 each. Is this really so hard to follow?
4. You expect me to treat you like a Queen? Alright, act like one. My names is not Jeeves. I am not here to clean your house, do your laundry, do your shopping and drive you around town. My job, as you're beau is to make you happy in ways no one else can. We are together for a reason. To make you laugh, to be your shoulder to cry on, to help you with your problems, and to make you scream in pleasure.
(I'm about to go out with a bang, folks)
5. This is something I can not say strongly enough. I AM NOT THE ONE THAT RISKS GETTING PREGNANT!!!! You know your cycle, I don't. It changes sometimes due to stress or medicine. Ok. If you say "not tonight", ok. But, when you say that, you loose your permission to get pissed off when I take an issue of "Barely Legal" in the bathroom with me. When I sit down and watch a porn, it's because I'm horny. If you're not, don't sit next to me and complain that I don't find you sexy anymore. Men & women fantasize and masturbate. It's a normal and healthy activity. It has nothing to do with you. I'm not a sex addict, I am a human being. Oh, and if you can "experiment" with your bff, then I can "play" with the cute waitress.
I must go now. The pepperoni pizza I ordered is here and "Anal Addicts" starts in a few minutes.
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